


I Can't See my Feelings

by orphan_account



Category: Music RPF
Genre: Bruce Dickinson - Freeform, M/M, Work Contains Fan(s) or Fandom(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-04 06:53:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14587422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Pilot Bruce Dickinson meets someone who irrevocably changes his life





	I Can't See my Feelings

**Author's Note:**

> A.U., Rock music, metal music, Iron maiden, Bruce Dickinson, Janick Gers, bxb, fanfiction

'Oh, damn', Bruce thought, 'there he is again.' The blonde baggage handler. Every time he flew into Newcastle he saw that same man working, standing out among the others like a ray of sunshine with his bright blonde hair tied back in a ponytail. Might as well forget about finishing the flight log entries now. Bruce knew from past experience he wouldn't be able to tear his eyes from watching the man as he went about his work. It was absurd, really. Bruce knew nothing about this man, had never even spoken to him, but whenever he saw a flight to Newcastle on his schedule his mind immediately conjured up this man's image. He seemed always to be smiling, joking with his coworkers, handling even the heaviest baggage with ease. What's more, Bruce was actually thankful that whichever company the man worked for did not require him to wear a shapeless, baggy uniform. He invariably wore skinny jeans and there was no way to ignore those long, slender legs and perfect ass. Okay, Bruce admitted, maybe he was just a tiny bit obsessed with this guy.

Bruce felt a tap on his arm and realized his co-pilot had been speaking to him.  
"Hey, mate, did you hear me?"  
"No. No, sorry, Joe, guess I was someplace else. What were you saying?"  
"I said the return flight's been scrapped. Order wasn't delivered for some reason, won't be here until tomorrow."  
The return flight to Nottingham had been strictly freight, one order of construction materials but it had been delayed at the manufacturers so the airline had instructed them to wait, expecting delivery within the next two days. Bruce didn't mind, he had nothing except an empty flat to return to, but Joe had a wife and two small children so he kept up a constant stream of grumbling as the two of them gathered their gear and left the plane. At least, Bruce thought, he would have a chance to catch up on the log books at the hotel, safely away from distractions. Long-legged blonde distractions.

The hotel had only single rooms, left but that was fine too. Joe was a good friend but he was constantly chattering, and generally about subjects Bruce had to interest in. Left on his own, Bruce wrapped up all the paperwork within two hours and decided to go out for a pint. He debated whether he should invite Joe but he knew the other man usually called home any evening he had to be away so he decided to go alone. Rather than take a taxi, he walked. The evening was overcast and brisk but there was certain to be a pub nearby.

Except there wasn't. The hotel was on the outskirts of the city and Bruce eventually walked nearly half an hour, during which time a light rain began to fall. Finally spotting a pub he ducked inside, chilled from the mist and wind. There was a moderate crowd, it was warm, and there was a football match on the large screen over the bar so he took a seat at an empty table, ordered a pint, and concentrated on getting warm. The match didn't interest him, neither team was one he supported, so after a few minutes he glanced around the room. And felt his breath catch in his throat.

He was there. The blonde baggage handler was sitting at the bar, long legs stretched out beside him, chatting with two or three other men. His hair was loose from it's ponytail now that wasn't at work, spreading across his back in a wavy golden curtain, and the sound of his soft laughter reached Bruce's ears as he shared a joke with his mates. This was the closest look Bruce had had at him and he found himself staring. Even from several feet away he could see the man's eyes were a pale turquoise and hear his soft, northern accent. The man looked his way and Bruce turned away quickly, sure he'd been caught staring, and he willed himself to look back at the television although he had no idea what was happening on the screen.

Several minutes later Bruce heard the group at the bar preparing to leave and his heart fell. He had been hoping for a chance to strike up a conversation with the blonde but didn't want to be the kind of bloke to butt into a conversation that didn't concern him. He felt more relief than he knew he should have when he noticed that the other three men were leaving but the blonde was still there and ordering another pint. This was his opportunity and he did not intend to waste it.

As nonchalantly as possible he moved to the bar, taking one of the vacated stools. Almost immediately he felt the other man's eyes on him and he felt a flutter of nerves, which was very uncharacteristic of him. He nearly jumped when the other man spoke.  
"Hello."  
Bruce turned. The blonde was smiling, azure eyes open and friendly. Bruce's sudden case of nerves vanished.  
"Hello. Haven't I seen you at the airport?" It was as good an icebreaker as any, Bruce thought.  
"Yeah, I work there. Should I have seen you there as well?"  
Bruce laughed. "Probably not, I'm usually in a plane. I'm a pilot."  
The blonde put out his hand "I'm Janick."  
"Bruce." Bruce clasped his hand, his grip was firm but mild. Janick's pint was brought. "Let me get that, Janick."  
"Thanks." He lifted the pint to Bruce in acknowledgment and asked which airline Bruce worked for. For several minutes the two talked of airports, airlines, and planes, which Bruce had a passion for but he learned Janick had only a passing interest in. Even as they talked, though, Bruce couldn't get over how attractive he Janick was up close. It was an added bonus that he also had an engaging personality and seemed quite intelligent. Before long he was calling Janick "Jan" and they were having their third pint together, the conversation having drifted from planes to music, which was Jan's personal passion, to their own individual backgrounds.

"I actually have a degree," Jan was telling him, "in Humanities, but unless I want to go into teaching there isn't much I can do with it."

"I went to public school," Bruce felt almost reluctant to confess. He worried that it would sound like bragging. "I hated it and eventually got expelled. Didn't learn much of use there, unless you consider fencing a viable skill."

Jan laughed, and Bruce thought he'd never heard a sweeter sound. "As useful as being able to play guitar, at least." He told Bruce that he'd been playing since he was 10 and had been in a couple of local bands but they hadn't gotten very far. 

Before Bruce realized, it was close to midnight and he knew he should get back to the hotel in case the freight shipment was ready in the morning and he had to fly.  
"I should be going too," Jan stood as well and pulled on his denim jacket.

"Wife will give you trouble if you're out too late, eh?"

"Oh, I'm not married."

Bruce was admittedly relieved to learn that. Maybe, just maybe.........

"Neither am I, and glad of it!" he grinned at the blonde as they walked to the door. Then, "Oh, shit!" While they had been in the pub the light mist had turned into a downpour with gusty winds. "What's the best taxi company in this town? I walked here but I'm not walking back in this!"

"Never mind a taxi, I'll give you a lift!" Jan clapped him on the shoulder and indicated an older parked Renault halfway down the block. They made a dash to the car, still getting quite wet, and dove into the car, laughing. Bruce realized they were both somewhat tipsy. He also knew, being familiar with the local weather patterns, that it was very unlikely he would be flying tomorrow.

Jan cranked the engine and suddenly the radio blasted into life, making Bruce visible jump. "Sorry," Jan laughed, "I usually play it at full volume."

"No worries." Bruce said. "Deep Purple, huh?"

"Oh yeah. Blackmore's kind of my main influence, I suppose. I think I own everything he's ever released. Too bad you have to get back, I'd show you my collection."

"I don't have to get back, actually. There was a system off the North Sea and it appears to have moved in, so I'm sure we won't be flying in the morning."

"Well, come on, then!" Jan grinned, pulling out into the street. He drove them to his flat several blocks away and they again ran through the rain to the stairwell, climbing up to the second story. 

"It's nothing fancy, mind you," Jan said apologetically as he unlocked the door.

"Not much different from my own place, actually." Bruce said, looking around the modest apartment.

"I'd have thought a pilot with a public school education would have a nice house someplace." Jan observed.

"No reason to, I have no family and I'm not often home."

"Sit down. Beer?"

"Yes, please." Bruce grinned, and Jan brought him one, taking one for himself. Bruce was looking at the three electric guitars on stands in a corner near some practice amps, and the one acoustic leaning against a chair. "You really are serious about guitar, aren't you? I don't suppose I could hear you play something?"

"It's too late to play an electric, the neighbors would throw a fit." Jan picked up the acoustic, strummed a couple of time to check the tuning, then played a short piece that made Bruce's jaw drop.

"My God, man, you're good!" Bruce had a great appreciation for musical skill and he saw unusual skill exhibited in Janick's playing

Jan looked somewhat abashed by the compliment. "I practice a lot, and I've been playing a long time." He then proceeded to show Bruce his impressive collection of CD's and vinyl, most of them of well known guitarists of course. 

As they listened to a few of the recordings they had a couple more beers and Bruce felt his reserve slowly melt. Public School may have taught him few practical trades but it had taught him other things and as the alcohol lowered his inhibitions he dared to slide closer to Jan as they sat on the couch. 

If Jan noticed he made no indication of it. For his part, he found the muscular pilot with the warm brown eyes an enjoyable companion, they had seemed to strike a chord with one another right away. He was pointing out an article in a music magazine to Bruce when he became aware that Bruce was sitting close enough that their legs were touching and Bruce's warm breath was tickling his ear. It had an unexpected effect on him. Until that moment he had thought of himself as straight as an arrow, but he was very conscious of the warmth of Bruce's thigh through the denim layers of their jeans and he felt an unaccountable tightening in his groin. He turned his head reflexively and found those warm brown eyes mere inches from his own.

Bruce couldn't seem to stop himself as he reached up and touched Jan's hair. It was as silky as he imagined it would be and he wanted very much to know if Jan's skin was as soft as it looked as well. Knowing that if he angered Jan and was thrown out of his flat he would have to call a taxi or walk back to the hotel in the storm, he let his fingertips slide from Jan's hair to graze his cheek. It was soft, even with the faint stubble, and his complexion was like porcelain. And what's more, Jan hadn't reacted negatively. In fact he hadn't reacted at all, he was simply looking at Bruce with a mixture of surprise and.....something else.

"Janick?" Bruce's voice was thick and he swallowed. "I...I want to kiss you but I don't want you to think I'm some kind of pervert."

Still Jan didn't react, though something flickered in his eyes. Encouraged, or at least not discouraged, Bruce leaned, closing the few inches distance between them and pressing his lips lightly to Jan's. It was barely a touch, but Bruce didn't think he imagined the minute return of pressure he felt. Drawing back, he met Jan's eyes. They looked a shade darker, and he could see that the blonde was breathing somewhat heavier. He waited a little anxiously for Jan to say something.

Jan unconsciously licked his lips before speaking, his voice quiet. "I've never had a bloke kiss me before."

"You could have asked me not to," Bruce pointed out, "and I wouldn't have."

"Maybe I wanted to see what it would be like. Maybe I wondered if I would like it."

Bruce was almost afraid to ask. "Did you?" 

After a long moment, Jan nodded almost imperceptibly. "Yeah. I never thought I would, but.....yeah I did."

That was all Bruce needed to hear. He slipped his arm across Jan's chest turning him to face him fully and kissed him again, with more pressure this time but still not rough or demanding, letting Jan respond at his own pace. After a few seconds he felt Jan return the kiss and could scarcely believe it when he felt the touch of Jan's tongue against his lips. He eagerly opened them, meeting Jan's questing tongue with his own, tasting the malty beer on his breath and something more, something sweeter, something he instinctively knew was the taste of Jan himself. It was like pure ambrosia but it acted on Bruce as an aphrodisiac, sending a strong current of desire straight through him and leaving him breathless. Never had he had such a strong and immediate reaction to something as simple as a kiss. 

They finally broke the kiss out of a sheer need to breathe. Bruce's heart was hammering in his chest and he was so hard his jeans were uncomfortable. He had trouble regaining the power of speech, he could only look into those clear blue eyes.

It was Janick who spoke first, somewhat hesitantly. "Does this mean I'm gay?"

Bruce shook his had. "No. No, and I'm not gay either. I suppose I could be considered bi, but does it really matter?"

"I guess it doesn't." Jan agreed. "I just never expected it, you know. But now....now I want more."

Bruce was only too happy to comply. He seized Jan again, pulling him close and letting his hands slide down the back of Jan's t-shirt to cup his rounded ass. That ass was so perfect, Bruce was thinking. Jan was so perfect, every part of him. Moving from his lips Bruce let his mouth trace along Jan's strong jaw, breathing him in, kissing him with a long line of small, moist kisses that he followed with gradually greedier licks. He heard Jan's breath catch, could feel the blonde's heart hammering as he pressed himself against him. After a minute Jan's arms encircled Bruce, his hands felt like they were burning Bruce's skin through the thin cloth of his shirt. 

Bruce knew Jan was a bit nervous, the strangeness of making out with another man was making him somewhat hesitant but Bruce could understand that. He tried not to let himself get to carried away but that was next to impossible. The desire he felt for the blonde was overwhelming, he wanted him more than he had ever wanted anyone. Bruce slipped his hand under the hem of Jan's shirt, feeling the soft heat of the skin on his flat stomach and letting his hand skim upward across the hairless chest, brushing against the nipple and eliciting a low moan from Jan. Bruce thought he would come in his pants simply from the sound.

"My bedroom..." Janick managed to gasp. "We have to go to my bedroom."

Bruce couldn't reply and he stood, albeit with difficulty as his legs were unaccountably shaking. Jan took his hand and they went into the bedchamber, falling on the bed in a tangle. Jan appeared to be gaining confidence, his hands were on Bruce's bare back now and Bruce quickly pulled off his shirt, tugging at Jan's as well until the blonde pulled it off. Bruce let himself explore the smooth expanse of Jan's chest, feeling Jan breathing against his neck and tracing his tongue around his ear, causing the darker man to shiver.

When Bruce reached to undo Janick's jeans, the other man stopped him, putting his hand over Bruce's. "Wait....I'm not sure....."

Bruce raised his head and kissed Janick again, more gently than he had been. "If you tell me to stop, I'll stop. But I want to make you feel good. Will you let me try?"

"I don't know what to do in return" Janick confessed, embarrassed.

"Anything you want. Or nothing at all. You don't have to do anything at all, but I want you, Janick."

After a long moment Jan nodded, and he undid his pants himself. Bruce had to force himself not to rip the skin tight jeans down the other man's legs, instead kissing him again with long deep kisses, trying to calm himself a little. He could tell Janick was excited too and when he slipped his hand into the opened zipper, there was no doubt. He didn't want to abruptly grab the other man so he worked his way back down his body with kisses while softly stroking the soft white flesh of Jan's stomach. He felt Jan's fingers beneath the waistband of his jeans at his back so he quickly unclasped his own pants and slipped them down, kicking them off along with his shoes. The friction of his erection against the chenille bed cover was almost more than he could bear and once again he had to take a moment to regain some composure.

Jan tossed his head, his magnificent hair spreading across the pillow he lay on. He squirmed, at last pushing his own jeans down, freeing his erection which sprang forth, causing Bruce to gasp. He couldn't go slow any longer, he was almost crazed with desire for Jan, and he circled his hand around the member. Jan gave an involuntary jerk of the hips and when Bruce closed his lips around the head he let out a long moan.

As a man Bruce knew what felt good to a man, even though it had been years since he had been with another member of his own sex. He knew which areas were most sensitive on himself so he paid particular attention to those places on Janick, circling the head with his tongue then descending slowly down the shaft, following his lips with his hand as he rose up again. Jan's gasps and moans urged him on, indicating that what he was doing was being appreciated.

It wasn't long before he felt Jan's hands on his head, tugging his hair. "Stop, stop....I'm going to...."

Instead of stopping, Bruce redoubled his efforts and within seconds Jan cried out and he was rewarded by feeling his mouth flooded with thick, hot liquid. Jan's chest was heaving and he collapsed back on the pillow, completely spent. Bruce was beside himself, tempted to reach down and finish himself off when Jan spoke.

"You have to....," he paused, still completely out of breath, "you have to let me do something for you. Anything....."

"Anything?" Bruce dared ask. Jan nodded, and Bruce raised himself to look into Jan's eyes. "Even if I want to go all the way?"

"Yes," Jan's voice was barely a whisper, but he reached up with shaking fingers and touched Bruce's cheek. "But....will it hurt?"

"Only for a moment, and I'll be as gentle as I can. Do you have anything we can use to make it easier?"

Janick thought for a moment, then nodded. "In the bathroom there's some lotion."

Bruce quickly retrieved the lotion from the shelf over the toilet and climbed back on the bed. He paused, kissing Jan softly. "You don't have to, you know."

"No, I want to. Just be careful, all right?" There was trepidation in Jan's eyes but also a look that caused something inside Bruce to feel a surge of something completely apart from the lust that had been driving him. It was a look of warmth and trust.

Bruce kissed him again, amazed that he couldn't seem to get enough of the taste of the other man's lips, and he felt Jan open his legs beneath him. Bruce edged forward on his knees, knowing he had to be slow and careful in spite of the overpowering passion that had taken him over. Jan was showing signs of excitement again even after climaxing only a few minutes before, so Bruce warmed a bit of lotion in his hands and stroked Jan's rapidly hardening member, working along the length and down onto his balls. Slowly, gradually, his fingers worked lower and lower until he was teasing against Jan's opening, then he carefully worked one finger within. Jan gasped in surprise and Bruce forced himself to stay with just the one finger until he was sure Jan had grown accustomed to it before introducing another digit, his other hand still stroking Jan and distracting him from the momentary sting. Bruce was teasing himself by going so slowly when he wanted nothing more than to sink himself deep in the other man and he knew that it would be worth the wait.

"More...." Jan managed to gasp out, and Bruce complied, . This was more painful for Jan, he could tell, and he held his hand perfectly still until the strain eased from the blonde's features before slowly moving. It felt like forever although it was only a few torturous minutes before Bruce was able to replace his fingers with himself. 

Even though it wasn't his first time doing this, Bruce could never have imagined anything like what he felt making love to Janick. Never had either a man or a woman given him this much pleasure and he was pleased to see that after the first uncertain moments, Janick was enjoying it as well. He leaned low over the other man, kissing him, and Janick returned the kiss with passion equal to his own, grasping Bruce by the shoulders and wrapping his legs around his lower back, pulling him deeper. His orgasm was so intense Bruce felt he would surely pass out and a millisecond later Janick reached orgasm as well, his second of the night.

Overcome with a flood of emotion, Bruce closed his arms around the slender body beneath him, covering Jan's face with kisses. He felt Janick's arms around him as well as he drifted almost immediately to sleep.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Bruce awoke slowly, a mild pounding in his head reminding him of the beers he'd had the night before. With that memory came other memories, and he opened his eyes. He was alone in a narrow bed in an unfamiliar room, grey skies showing through the rain washed window across the room. A clock at the bedside read almost 9:00 AM, and Bruce sat up. The apartment was silent except for the low hum of a regrigerator in the next room.

Bruce dressed quickly, visited the bathroom, and went out into the combination kitchen/living room. There was no sign of Janick but there was a scrap of paper on the smal table.  
"Had to go to work. Janick"  
That was all. Short and to the point. Bruce felt a sense of dismay. He would love for Jan to have been there when he woke up but, barring that, he hoped for something more than a terse note. He scanned the other surfaces in the room, hoping the blonde had left something else but knowing he wouldn't find anything. He looked around for a phone, hoping to get a number in order to contact Jan, but he found none and could only conclude Jan did not have one. His sense of disappointment grew even though he told himself that it had only been a one night stand, after all. There was no reason to expect that Jan would want to see him or hear from him again. Part of him had wanted to leave a note or something but he talked himself out of it. There was no reason for him to feel that the bottom had dropped out of his stomach, no reason for him to feel so despondant. It must be the gloomy weather, Bruce concluded as he grabbed his jacket and made his way down the stairs, locking the door behind him. 

The building where Jan lived appeared to be on a side street in a residential area and Bruce had to walk quite a few blocks to find a phone in order to call a taxi. He scarcely paid his physical discomfort any mind, however, he was more focused on his internal turmoil. It was only a one night stand, only a one night stand, he kept repeating to himself. And he didn't want it to be anything more. Why would he? What would be the point? Janick Gers was just a chance encounter, he had only been attracted to him because of his appearance, right? True, he was drop-dead gorgeous but what difference did that make, really? There were other gorgeous people in the world and perhaps the next one he found wouldn't walk out without a word after a night of passion. 

By the time he located a phone Bruce was soaked to the skin and half frozen and the cab ride to his hotel wasn't long enough to warm him. He was crossing the lobby with his head down and his hands shoved in his pockets, lost in thought, when he heard his name called. It was Joe.

"Where have you been? I've been ringing your room for the past hour, I finally came down here to see if you were in the restaurant."

Bruce didn't feel like dealing with Joe's chatty exhuberance. "What did you need me for?"

"The airport couldn't reach you so they called me. The weather is expected to be clearing by this afternoon, we're scheduled to fly out at 4:00 PM."

Bruce merely nodded and continued to the elevators leaving Joe looking after him, baffled at his odd demeanor.

Standing under a hot shower, Bruce felt the hot water clearing his head. He wasn't too stubborn to admit to himself he hoped to see Janick again but perhaps he would run into him the next time he flew to Newcastle,. He was generally scheduled to fly there two or three times a month. And if not, so be it. Still, he would return to the pub where he'd found him the night before the next time he was in town, just in case.

 

Unfortunately, that was not to be. The next morning back at the airline's home offices at West Midlands, Bruce and the three other pilots were called into the airline owners office. One half hour later, Bruce was unemployed. The small airline had been operating on a shoestring for quite some time and it had finally failed, going bankrupt. The creditors had ordered operations to cease immediately as the planes and equipment, as well as all future contracts, were being absorbed by a larger airline. The pilots, however, weren't needed. Bruce knew he could cover his rent and auto payments until he was able to find a new position. He had several years and considerable flight experience by now and he was confident he would be able to find another position before very long. No, the thought that troubled Bruce as he cleaned out his locker was the realization that there would be no more trips to Newcastle.

Within two weeks Bruce had secured a job as pilot for another freight airline. This one, however, operated strictly between Midlands, London, and Bristol. He was fortunate, he knew, in that he would be able to keep his flat and continue to work out of Midlands, but there was something constantly in the back of his mind. A constant, niggling itch he couldn't push aside no matter how he tried. He wanted to return to Newcastle. He wanted to see Janick.

The new job kept him busy. He had flights nearly every day, often two or even three flights a day. The pay was excellent but that was unimportant to Bruce. More important was staying busy, keeping his mind occupied, because invariably whenever he had an idle moment his mind conjured up the image of blue eyes, long blonde hair, and long, slim legs. Long, slim legs wrapped tight around his waist as he spent himself, immersed in the warmth of Jan, swept up in the passion he had felt for Jan that he couldn't seem to put out of his mind. And God knows he tried.

Nights were the worst. Sooner or later every day he had to go home, and without his pilot duties on his mind it became impossible to keep thoughts of Jan at bay. Going out to the pubs helped, but still he would eventually have to go home and no matter how much he'd had to drink, there were always thoughts of Jan on the periphery of his consciousness. Even in sleep he couldn't escape them, and in a way the dreams were even worse. The dreams were almost always erotic and more than once Bruce would awake with the realization that his boxers were damp from a wet dream. In desperation, after several weeks had passed he tried dating. 

His first attempt was a complete disaster. He was preoccupied and withdrawn through dinner and the lady called the evening short, pleading a sudden headache though Bruce knew better. A week later, he tried again. This young lady was more accomodating, at least up to the time they were in bed together and at his moment of climax Bruce cried out Jan's name. Needless to say, she did not take that well and ordered him out of her flat. He didn't care. The physical release had been just that - physical. It didn't serve to ease his mind at all.

Weeks continued to pass, slowly but inexorably. Bruce was increasingly withdrawn, making no friends at his new job and losing touch with old friends. Whenever he knew he had no flights the following day he tended to drink too much, but in some perverse way the inebriation only caused his thoughts of Jan to become sharper, leaving him morose afterwards. He began to volunteer for extra flights, as many as regulations would allow. Work was his only respite.

Nearly a year had passed since Bruce's encounter with Janick and while he still thought of the blonde several times a day and many, many more times at night, he had become resigned to it. It seemed there was no escaping it, it was a part of his life now. At least a dozen times he'd almost driven to Newcastle on a day off and had to talk himself out of it. Obviously their night together had meant nothing to Janick. He had left for work without waking Bruce, leaving only a short note. No mention of hoping to see him again, not even a mention of having enjoyed their time together. No, Jan had used Bruce to satisfy his curiousity about being with another man and, having done that, he had no further interest in him. Making the long drive to Newcastle would be nothing short of foolish. There was no logical explanation to his near obsession with the long-legged blonde, anyway. At times Bruce wondered if he was cracking up.

Occassionally the airline required pilots to stay overnight at one of their locations to take a morning flight. This was the situation Bruce found himself in on a spring evening in London. He liked London, not least because there were so many diversions there, so many distractions from his own thoughts. The last few times he'd had to stay overnight he had sampled a variety of clubs, even going so far as to engage a prostitute on one occassion. That hadn't worked out so well. He's chosen a tall blonde, but when they tried to get down to business Bruce found he couldn't perform. He was glad it was just a hooker and not a respectable girl, at least he didn't have to be embarassed. He'd simply paid her regardless and sent her on her way, wanking off later to mental images of the blonde he really wanted to be with.

He entertained no thoughts of repeating that escapade this time, deciding to find some club with good music and have as many pints as he would allow himself and still be able to fly the next day. He asked the front desk at his hotel for a reccomdenation and was directed to a club not too far away reputed to host promising up-and-coming bands.

"They have a very good band tonight," the lady had told Bruce. "They're called White Spirit, they're causing quite a stir." At least the club was crowded and noisy, Bruce noted when he got there. He was able to snag a seat at the very end of the bar. The view of the stage wasn't good but he wasn't especially concerned. He just wanted to occupy a few hours and get pleasantly pissed, go back to his hotel, and try to have a dreamless night. A warm-up band was playing so Bruce ordered a pint and settled in, losing himself in the cacophony of voices around him.

The first band left the stage a half hour after Bruce arrived and a DJ played music while the headlining band set up. Bruce was watching the television over the bar, reading the scroll on the bottom of the screen because it was much too loud in there to hear it, and wasn't paying much attention to the band even though he acknowledged when they started their set and had to agree they sounded very good. It wasn't until their second or third song that a guitar solo rang out and caught his attention. It was a blistering solo, the notes clear but with a unique flair. Mildly interested, Bruce leaned to one side to catch a better look at the band. And nearly fell off his stool.

The guitarist was Janick.

Bruce heard a rushing in his ears, it was like every other sound, every other person in the club faded to the background and he was focused solely on Janick. Not caring if he was being rude he moved his stool back to get a clearer view, all the while feeling like something was lodged in his throat, unable to catch his breath. Janick was magnificent! His fingers flew across the strings in a blur, expertly wringing out each riff, and Bruce hung onto every note. When the next song began Bruce nearly lost his composure completely. Jan seemed to lose himself in the music, his body moving across the small stage jumping and weaving around the other band members with a look of absolute bliss on his face. A look Bruce had seen before, looking up at him just before Jan had climaxed against his stomach when they made love.

Bruce's mouth was dry and he took a shaky sip of his beer, not tearing his eyes from Janick. The band played a 90 mimute set and Bruce never once looked away, following the blonde's every move, feeling every bit of the longing he had been trying for nearly a year to suppress coming back over him like an avalanche. God damn it! He wished he hadn't listened to the desk clerk, that he had gone to some other club. Anything would be better than being bombarded with these feelings again.

Somehow near the end of the set the crowd shifted so that Bruce had a completely unobstructed view of the stage. And at that moment Janick looked up, his gaze somehow going straight to Bruce like a magnet. A look of complete shock registered in his face and Bruce cursed inwardly, knowing he had recognized him. Still, he couldn't look away. Janick missed his cue in the song and earned a scowl from the vocalist, but quickly found his place. Still, his eyes returned to Bruce again and again until the end of the set.

Bruce knew he had to get out of there. His thoughts were in turmoil and he couldn't think clearly. Seeing Jan had impacted him more than he could have anticipated and knowing the blonde had recognized him was even more disconcerting. The club suddenly seemed oppressing so Bruce gulped down the rest of his beer and made his way to the door. Once out on the sidewalk he breathed in the cool night air and leaned back against the brick front of the building, ignoring the dozen or so other people gathered in front of the club. He leaned his head back against the rough bricks and closed his eyes, he needed a moment to collect his thoughts.

"Hey." A soft voice startled Bruce and before he even opened his eyes he knew who it was. He looked up into the blue eyes that had been hauntimg him for so long. He couldn't think of anything to say.

"Do you remember me?" Janick asked a little doubtfully when Bruce didn't speak.

"Of course I do." Bruce managed to answer, swallowing hard. "Hello, Janick."

"It's been a while." Janick leaned his back against the wall and Bruce fancied he could feel the heat of him from several inches away. Bruce only nodded, not trusting himself to speak. "And I did leave that morning without saying goodbye."

"It's okay." It wasn't, but Bruce couldn't say that.

"No, it was kind of rude, after what we...........," Janick took a breath. "Listen, can we go someplace else.?"

"I suppose." Bruce said reluctantly. He knew anything Janick might say would only cause him to be even more attracted to the man. He didn't need that, yet he agreed to go to a pub down the block with him. This bar was a contrast to the club they'd just left, it was quiet and there were very few patrons. They secured a table at the back, away from everyone.

They'd ordered their beer and rather than sit in awkward silence Bruce decided to forge ahead. Sitting there prolonging it would only give him more time to notice the honey gold in Jan's hair, the way his eyes betrayed his every thought. "Okay, now why are we here?"

Janick toyed with his glass, unsure of what to say. He wasn't even sure why he felt compelled to seek Bruce out after seeing him in the crowd, it was like he was driven to do it. He'd had a momentary impulse to jump down from the stage the minute he saw him and go straight to him, and he had quelled it with difficulty. But now they were sitting face to face and he couldn't express himself.

"I guess I wanted to thank you." He finally said, meeting Bruce's eyes.

This was the last thing Bruce expected him to say. "Thank me? For what? For pushing you into doing something you regretted?"

"You didn't push me into anything and I didn't regret it. When I woke up and saw you lying there in bed with me......," Jan trailed off, his eyes still locked on Bruce's. "I felt a lot of things, but regret wasn't one of them."

Bruce felt like something opened up in his chest, like something that was newly awakened and slowly spreading it's wings. "What did you feel, then?" He wasn't sure he really wanted to hear the answer.

"I wasn't sure, but it scared the hell out of me! I was late for work and had to go but I thought I'd figure it out by the next time I saw you. Then you vanished."

"The airline folded, I had to get a different job. The company I'm with now doesn't fly to Newcastle."

Jan nodded, still toying with his beer glass, moving it in little circles on the table. A minute passed before he spoke again. "That night.....well, it kind of changed my life." Jan laughed a little at how cliche that sounded. 

Bruce scowled a bit, not sure he understood. "How do you mean?"

Jan shook his head slightly, seemingly at a loss for words. "All I know is I haven't been able to get it out of my mind."

Bruce was completely stunned. "You too?" he breathed, not even aware he'd said aloud until Jan raised his eyes and locked them to Bruce's. He fancied he could see the thoughts chasing themselves through those blue depths and he would give anything to know what they were. A long silence ensued, then Bruce decided to lay his cards on the table. "And I haven't been able to get you out of my mind."

Jan's smile was immediate and real. "Yeah?"

Bruce gave a quick glance around to be sure no one was watching, then he reached across the table and did what he had been wanting to do since they'd arrived. He ran his fingertips down Jan's face and brushed his index finger lightly across his lips. He heard Jan's breath catch.

"Is there somewhere we can go?" Jan asked, his voice low, almost a whisper. Bruce was never as thankful for anything as he was that his hotel was only a few minutes away.

Bruce didn't know if Jan was having the same struggle, but it took every shred of self control he possessed to keep his hands off the blonde until they were inside his hotel room. The second the lock clicked shut behind them he had Jan's back against the door, his lips crushed against the other man's, his body pressed against the lean form that felt even better than he remembered. Jan wasn't as hesitant this time, he eagerly returned Bruce's hungry kisses, his tongue deep in Bruce's mouth. 

Bruce felt hardness against his hip and it made him dizzy to know Jan wanted him as much as he wanted Jan. They were half undressed before even reaching the bed and within a matter of seconds they were out of the rest of their clothes. Janick's slim, pale body felt hot against Bruce's fervid lips as he kissed his way down his chest, stopping to give attention to each pink nipple. Janick seemed fascinated with Bruce's abundant chest hair, letting his fingers graze through it as his other hand clutched his shoulders. When he started to kiss his way lower, Jan stopped him.

"Wait, wait....let me. Please."

Bruce forced himself to lay back, fighting the urge to simply ravage the blonde. Janick's first caresses and gentle kisses to Bruce's neck and chest were tentative but when it became obvious that he was enjoying it, that it was driving him crazy, Jan grew bolder. Bruce had never had anyone give much attention to his nipples so it was a pleasant surprise when he felt the first light touches of Jan's tongue against them, first one then the other. Jan's long, slender fingers continued to comb through Bruce's chest hair, gradually venturing lower but not quite as low as Bruce wanted. He was internally screaming for some sort of touch to his aching hard-on and as Jan kissed his way down his stomach he finally felt the first hesitant touch of his fingertips trace up the underside, causing him to emit a loud groan.

Jan's eyes flicked up to meet his and Bruce saw him smile. "You'll have to be patient with me" he softly said. "It's the first time I've tried this."

"You haven't experimented with any other men since we were together?" Bruce was curious, but he also felt a surge of jealousy that was quickly dispelled when Jan shook his head.

"I haven't been with anyone since we were together, male or female." he admitted. "The band has groupies chasing us every place we play, even some male groupies, but.....I just haven't wanted anyone else."

Bruce couldn't take the time to analyze the onslaught of feelings that statement sent through him because Jan's fingers were closing around him now and there was no room for anything else in his mind. The hand movements were slow at first, the pressure light but it increased as Jan continued his journey south, kissing and licking Bruce's stomach lower and lower. He thought he would black out from sheer pleasure when at last he felt Jan's lips on him. He looked down at the golden hair fanning across his hips and had to bit his lip to maintain control, the sight alone was enough to make his balls tighten.

The moist heat of Jan's mouth was beyond the uncountable fantasies he'd had about this very thing over the past year. His mind could never imagined anything feeling so good, the sensation was almost more than his brain could process. He ran his fingers through the silky hair, feeling Jan grow more comfortable with what he was doing, feeling the enthusiasm as the lips tightened on him, the tip of the tongue drag down and up again as Jan increased suction. 

"Stop! Stop, I'm too close! I want to be in you, Jan. I need to be inside you." Bruce gasped, gripping Jan's hair to hold the bobbing head still. Jan complied and Bruce felt bereft for a second as the warmth was removed. He knew that if Jan had continued for just a few more seconds he would have come and he didn't want it to end so soon.

Janick raised up and Bruce flipped him on his back, kissing him. He paused only long enough to grab his travel kit from the bedside table and grope blindly in it, fishing out a small tube. When Jan recognized what it was he gave him an inquisitive look.

"I've....well, I've been jerking off a lot. Whenever I think of you I can't help it. Lube makes it easier." Bruce felt he had to explain.

Jan smiled and pulled Bruce down, kissing him. Bruce could feel how hard Jan was, he could feel the wetness of the precome in the hair of his stomach. He couldn't wait another second to possess this man. He tried to prepare Jan, warming the lube between his fingers before applying it to both himself and to Jan's opening, but Jan was writhing against him. With only minimal preparation Bruce entered the tight heat he remembered so well and it was better than any memory could make it. He saw Jan wince slightly and forced himself to be still when all he wanted was to bury himself, but after a moment he felt Jan's hands on his backside, pulling him closer, deeper.

"Ah, God," he groaned, allowing himself sink into the other man, succumbing to the primal need he'd denied himself for too long. This was what he wanted, what he needed! What he needed more than oxygen, what he couldn't live without. Whatever it meant, whatever the consequences, he had to have Janick. He was dimly aware that he was being aggressive, maybe even being too rough, but Jan was meeting his every thrust, wrapping his long legs around Bruce's thighs and urging him on. The sounds Jan was making made Bruce's head swim and he knew he couldn't hold out long. When Jan let out a long moan and Bruce felt the hot stickiness between them indicating the other man's completion, he lost it. His orgasm was so intense he saw stars, his mind was encompassed in white light that left him nearly unconscious.

When Bruce regained awareness of his surroundings he was collapsed against Janick's chest and the blonde's fingers were stroking through his sweat-soaked hair. With effort he rolled off but closed his arms tightly around the other man. He felt Jan's arms circling him as well and in that moment all was right with the world. He felt at ease. He felt like he was where he was been meant to be.

Oh, fuck! It hit him like a freight train. He was in love with Janick Gers. For the first time in his 27 years Bruce was in love, and with another man. Had been in love with him since that first night. Oh this explained everything, but what could he do now? He opened his eyes and looked over only to find clear blue eyes looking straight back at him. He was conflicted. Should he say something?

Janick saved him the trouble. "Right or wrong, Bruce, I.....I feel something for you. It isn't because you're the first man I've been with. I thought it was that, but now I know it isn't."

"Then maybe it's the same as I feel." Bruce ventured carefully.

Jan nodded, then moved to lay his head in the crook of Bruce's neck. "I think it probably is."

Bruce was content with that. The word didn't have to be said aloud. The connection he and Janick felt was more than enough, it was stronger than wirds could convey. They sat together long into the night. Bruce shoved aside the fact he should get some sleep, he'd flown on only a few hours of sleep before. This was more important. He learned that Janick's band had been offered a recording contract and that because of this Jan had moved to London and worked full time as a musician now. White Spirit had a growing following and they had well paying gigs two or three nights a week. When the album they were currently recording was released they would have to tour, but both he and Bruce knew that between them they could work around their respective careers. Bruce would relocate to London himself and work from the company base there. He and Janick were a unit now. For life.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~


End file.
